Lilac Skies

I bet you’re wondering, why ‘Lilac Skies’? Well, its a bit of a long story and I’m hoping that throughout my blogging journey (I’m new to this), you’ll understand why. 

(I found this imagine on Pinterest)

I’ve had a nagging debate in my head about whether or not I should ever share what goes on in my head or even the stuff I so often write. Well, let’s just say, here I am, Finally! Sharing. I’ve been writing (mostly poetry) for about a decade now and I feel like the time has come, to share a little more. I’ve always envied people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, but I was always guarded. Hard to know. Probably even harder to approach. But I’ve decided to remove a few layers. Not only because ‘sharing is caring‘ but also because it’s exactly what I need at this point in my life.

And now you’re wondering what’s going on at this point in my life, or you’re not… I’m gonna fill you in anyway. I’m going through what feels like a ‘permanent day off’. I know, it sounds like something fun, but let me eleborate. 

2016, as I’ve come to learn from having far too many coffee dates because everyone wanted to vent, was a living nightmare. I agree, it was an agonizing year, and you’d think the universe would conspire to at least make 2017 a year of redemption from all that torture last year. But not for me, it seems my horror of a year isn’t done messing around with my ‘perfect‘ plans yet. It’s strange how life can be perfectly loud one second and chaotically silent the next. You find yourself caught between what you want to so desparetly change and what you wish you could keep the same. It feels like watching your entire life plan come crushing down like an avalanche and you can’t stop it unless you wish to go down with it. Which is terrifying, especially when you’ve considered that crushing down with it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. But I’m such a hopeful being that I’d like to be alive and standing when the plot twist materialises and I realise that everything had to fall apart before it could to turn out better than I could’ve imagined or that “like I glowstick I needed to break first before I could glow“. So Im standing here watching my whole life crumble before my eyes and a tiny voice in my head reminds me of an old saying, “that’s just how the cookie crumbles“. As I roll my eyes at that, I wonder if I’m the only one who feels like accepting things without at least question them isn’t just a lazy excuse to escape having to deal with things in first place.

A large part of my life has been a series of precisely planned successes. The other part of my life, which has now brought me back into the habit of writing, has gone on this apocalyptic track that I’m trying so perilously to understand. Many would say, “Everything happens for a reason, that’s just life“, be it as it may, I’d like very much to be in tune with those reasons. Maybe I’m probing too hard at nothing… or this is how I find my peace.

See, when they say ‘writing is therapy‘ (I’m not really sure who said that but I can attest to it) they couldn’t have been more right. I was pretty much raised to just ‘get over’ things or ‘pray about it’. It wasn’t the worst way to be brought up, but writing was the most effective alternative to just getting over things, because even though I was raised that way I wasn’t really made that way. I struggle to just get over things, I need 1 of 3 things, if not all 3. I need time (sometimes too much time, if you ask me), I need space and I need silence.

Writing gives me all 3. When I write, time moves slower, which is really soothing when you’re an anxious wrack. Writing also gives me space to deal with all my feelings and to explore my feelings without being distracted by everything else in life or without being judged by someone who thinks they know me better than I know myself. Finally, writing is my most silent medium to which I run to. By that I mean, despite what could be playing on the TV in the other room or what music is playing in the car outside, where I am with my pen and paper is the most silent place for my mind to work. And that, is exactly what I need.

So this is just me. This is me questioning the current state my life is in. This is me chasing different coloured skies. This is me figuring out how to turn my pain into strength. This is me revealing the parts of me I’ve always thought were too abstract to say out loud. This is me preparing for the rainbow after the storm. This is me trying to understand my love for mystery. This is me accepting all the changes in my life. This is me trying to bridge the gap between where I am and where I’m meant to be. This is me accepting that broken hearts are eye openers before they are anything else. This is me understanding that the only manual to life is living, questioning and learning. This is me and my rampant mind. This is me and my vision for better days, for warmer sunrises and lilac filled skies.

Thank you and welcome🍁 

#Ntombi-B

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