Let the sun set

The most crucial questions of all are the ones we are most afraid to ask ourselves..

I’ve been pondering over what it means to be happy… and I know there are so many sayings about happiness, like ‘happiness is an inside job’, or ‘happiness is the journey and not the destination’ or.. and the most popular of them all, “Happiness is a choice“. It all sounds so enchanting, wouldn’t you say? rolling off the tongue like honey since the beginning of philosophy. Every time you read something along those lines you are inclined to either feeling like you could take over the world because you completely agree and can relate or you are more of a ‘skeptic’ and you read the clichés with your eyes rolling all the way back.

To be honest, I want to be the former, the one who blindly believes the clichè, that everything is candy floss and unicorns, no offence to all the optimists, but I feel like we’re all allowed to question when in doubt. We ought to question what happiness really is to us, in a world where literature has so eloquently decided for us and society has so selfishly prescribed. I feel like we are ever evolving and therefore happiness cannot be a one-size-fits-all. We are constently faced with the decision to either keep up or become, and maybe that’s the real question… to stay the same or to evolve? even more so when life starts feeling like the pages aren’t yours to turn anymore. We often introspect and question the seemingly obvious things about ourselves because we are faced with changes or adversities, and that’s the perspective from which I ponder.

Surely, out of 7 billion people on this sometimes hell of a planet, someone can relate. I think the hardest thing is mostly trying to separate the now and the future. Day to day life can get unbearably draining that we become so submerged in our current situations and pain that we cannot reconcile ourselves with the honest fact that “This too shall pass” (There I go with ‘one-size-fits-all’ statements, sometimes I’m an optimist too), but it’s true, life can get overwhelming and as a result, our need to consult our state of happiness gets overshadowed. I saw a quote by William Nepe which read “Life is like snowboarding, You must get up everytime you fall. Once you stop falling, you then begin to enjoy it, if you stay down you will never see why people love it so much.” Profound, right? The anology here is that the reality of happiness is tied to our williness to find it. The idea that no matter how overwhelming life may get, the opportunity to pursue happiness and actually find it in the midst of everything else is at our command, we just have to get up and pursue.

I don’t believe it’s that simple though, happiness is tricky for me, mostly because I know what I want but I’m impatient and more anxious than sure. One minute I’m completely in tune with who I am and I’m content with my life and I’m aware of my happiness and the next minute it’s like I couldn’t be further from myself and happiness feels like a distant concept. Being aware of all of this has always been my ‘superpower‘ and sometimes maybe even one of my toxic traits because I’m able to retract and contract almost at the arrival of the thought without consideration for who might be affected and lately, it’s been exhausting!!! They say fall down 7 times get up 8, what if you’ve fallen more time then you can get up? what do they say about that? oh let me guess, they say “No matter how many times you fall down, fight the urge to stay down. Get up, again and again..” atleast that’s what Elizabeth Gilbert once said. See, the whole, “don’t stay down” thing is a theme to happiness, I think it’s because the falling is mandatory.

Surely, the pursuit of happiness is not just a dead end. So no matter how many times I keep falling short and feeling like I can’t quiet reach the ‘mark’, it’s not because I’ve arrived at a dead end. The truth is, this experience, this journey, this constant searching is an awakening and these are merely the dark pages of the story. Happiness is entirely attainable, but we have to realise that we are not immune to moments and periods in our lives that aren’t so happy. The sun will always set and the sun will always rise. This time in my life is just the sun setting on all the uncertainties so that it can rise again and emerge more beautifully and purposeful than before. Eventually, even the darkest nights will end and the sun will appear.

Ultimately, it all boils down to what you want vs what you need and your willingness to pursue it irrespective of the circumstances. It will not be the same for everyone, the journey is so intrinsically tied to our individuality that it can never be the same for everyone. So.. sure, it would make sense to say “Success is happiness” or “being rich is the ultimate measure of happiness” but unfortunately those statements, just like the clichés about happiness are not objective. There has been a time in my life where I felt I was successful and there has been a time when I had far more than I needed, but one thing was consistent, despite it all, I wanted to be certain that I was happy. I was and have always been in careful pursuit of happiness despite how much or how little I have. So I find myself here again.

I know that I am meant to be far more happier than I am now, as such I wonder if there’s more, more to life than where I am, more to life than where I have been, or more to life than where I thought I would be. Never be so quick to accept that where you are is the best you can be but always be grateful nonetheless because gratitude leads to contentment, because even though life may take you through the saddest most painful alleys, you will always come out so perfectly artistic that you end up looking exactly like what you are looking for… you will come out looking like happiness.

It’s important for me to find this in myself, because too often I’ve lost it trying to find it in people who neither possessed it nor sought it. My appreciation for solutitude and peace has always been misunderstood, mostly because I have an assumption that others need it as much as I do and I’ve unfortunately been mismatched with individuals who did not. So when you pursue happiness, pursue it with complete honesty to yourself. because when it comes to being happy, it is more important how you feel than how others feel.

and if that is what it means to pursue happiness then I am no longer afraid to ask this of myself.

Ntombi-B🍁

Lilac Skies

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I bet you’re wondering, why ‘Lilac Skies’? Well, its a bit of a long story and I’m hoping that throughout my blogging journey (I’m new to this), you’ll understand why. 

(I found this imagine on Pinterest)

I’ve had a nagging debate in my head about whether or not I should ever share what goes on in my head or even the stuff I so often write. Well, let’s just say, here I am, Finally! Sharing. I’ve been writing (mostly poetry) for about a decade now and I feel like the time has come, to share a little more. I’ve always envied people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, but I was always guarded. Hard to know. Probably even harder to approach. But I’ve decided to remove a few layers. Not only because ‘sharing is caring‘ but also because it’s exactly what I need at this point in my life.

And now you’re wondering what’s going on at this point in my life, or you’re not… I’m gonna fill you in anyway. I’m going through what feels like a ‘permanent day off’. I know, it sounds like something fun, but let me eleborate. 

2016, as I’ve come to learn from having far too many coffee dates because everyone wanted to vent, was a living nightmare. I agree, it was an agonizing year, and you’d think the universe would conspire to at least make 2017 a year of redemption from all that torture last year. But not for me, it seems my horror of a year isn’t done messing around with my ‘perfect‘ plans yet. It’s strange how life can be perfectly loud one second and chaotically silent the next. You find yourself caught between what you want to so desparetly change and what you wish you could keep the same. It feels like watching your entire life plan come crushing down like an avalanche and you can’t stop it unless you wish to go down with it. Which is terrifying, especially when you’ve considered that crushing down with it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. But I’m such a hopeful being that I’d like to be alive and standing when the plot twist materialises and I realise that everything had to fall apart before it could to turn out better than I could’ve imagined or that “like I glowstick I needed to break first before I could glow“. So Im standing here watching my whole life crumble before my eyes and a tiny voice in my head reminds me of an old saying, “that’s just how the cookie crumbles“. As I roll my eyes at that, I wonder if I’m the only one who feels like accepting things without at least question them isn’t just a lazy excuse to escape having to deal with things in first place.

A large part of my life has been a series of precisely planned successes. The other part of my life, which has now brought me back into the habit of writing, has gone on this apocalyptic track that I’m trying so perilously to understand. Many would say, “Everything happens for a reason, that’s just life“, be it as it may, I’d like very much to be in tune with those reasons. Maybe I’m probing too hard at nothing… or this is how I find my peace.

See, when they say ‘writing is therapy‘ (I’m not really sure who said that but I can attest to it) they couldn’t have been more right. I was pretty much raised to just ‘get over’ things or ‘pray about it’. It wasn’t the worst way to be brought up, but writing was the most effective alternative to just getting over things, because even though I was raised that way I wasn’t really made that way. I struggle to just get over things, I need 1 of 3 things, if not all 3. I need time (sometimes too much time, if you ask me), I need space and I need silence.

Writing gives me all 3. When I write, time moves slower, which is really soothing when you’re an anxious wrack. Writing also gives me space to deal with all my feelings and to explore my feelings without being distracted by everything else in life or without being judged by someone who thinks they know me better than I know myself. Finally, writing is my most silent medium to which I run to. By that I mean, despite what could be playing on the TV in the other room or what music is playing in the car outside, where I am with my pen and paper is the most silent place for my mind to work. And that, is exactly what I need.

So this is just me. This is me questioning the current state my life is in. This is me chasing different coloured skies. This is me figuring out how to turn my pain into strength. This is me revealing the parts of me I’ve always thought were too abstract to say out loud. This is me preparing for the rainbow after the storm. This is me trying to understand my love for mystery. This is me accepting all the changes in my life. This is me trying to bridge the gap between where I am and where I’m meant to be. This is me accepting that broken hearts are eye openers before they are anything else. This is me understanding that the only manual to life is living, questioning and learning. This is me and my rampant mind. This is me and my vision for better days, for warmer sunrises and lilac filled skies.

Thank you and welcome🍁 

#Ntombi-B